Karma Has Bitten Me in the Ass

I spent approximately 7 hours in the hospital yesterday. Why, you ask? For the simple reason that I couldn't move when I woke up yesterday morning. Meaning, Alexis, that I did not take myself to the emergency room, as that would have been impossible. Emily and Lisa managed to get me there.
Anyway, turns out my little neck problem was back. Let me provide a brief history: this particular injury came from jumping off of a cliff (refer to previous blog); however, Caroline... if you're reading this... do you remember when I had muscle spasms from sleeping under your ceiling fan and had to go to the emergency room? I would liken this occasion to that one.
In total, I accrued two shots in my ass, 6 x-rays, one CT scan and an impressive language breakdown with the Thai medical professionals. It was touch and go for a moment whether I was going to have to sport a neck brace for two months.
I left with the Japanese equivalent of Valium, some pain killers and a spray bottle of I-don't-know-what, which I think is supposed to go on my neck. The doctor informed me that I am to attend physical therapy 6 times a week, to which I replied "no."
After leaving the hospital, I had to go teach a lesson. As I'm sure any person with half a brain might assume, teaching English on Valium is something I would not recommend. Let's leave it at that.


p.s. I don't know where the link to my pictures went, so here it is again:
http://community.webshots.com/user/absinth143

Dengue Fever

So Isaac has Dengue Fever. At first they thought it was Malaria, but evidently it's not. I would say that's a good thing, but Dengue is just as bad and there's no cure. Anyway, he's leaving for Israel on Monday, so I really hope he's better by then. I also feel like an ass since, of course, we were telling him to stop being such a baby yesterday. In our defense, being sick is a relative concept here.
More good news: the typhoon that hit China and Vietnam is heading for us today. The great thing about Thais is that they are perpetually unfazed. After SARS, the Bird Flu and the Tsunami, it's as if they don't even notice.
On a brighter note, I made the final exam my bitch. I still have an ass of work to do, but it's good to have that out of the way.
Moving on.
It is absolutely impossible, as a Westerner, to buy shoes or clothes here. The other day I tried to try on shoes. Instead of a shoe, though, I was met with laughter from the sales people, who told me that my size doesn't even exist here (here meaning Asia). Not even my smaller foot. Similarly, Alison tried on a 'dress' the other day. Though she is a full three inches shorter than I am, this thing they call a dress fit her like a tank top. Either we will be shoeless and inappropriately dressed (read: half naked), or we are going to have to figure something else out. Thankfully I'm not particulalry big on clothes or fasion, but living here for a year might require some shopping.

Patong and The Insurgency

It's Sunday afternoon (or Saturday night in America).
Friday night we finally got it together to go to Patong. Despite the fact that Phuket is probably known by foreigners for Patong, we live on the opposite side of the island and had not been until Friday. If you do know anything about this place, I'm sure you will have some idea of what the night was like, so I'm not going to go into too much detail. Basically, I haven't a clue how to describe it.
I will say that as soon as I saw a game of Connect Four at one of the bars, I made a beeline for it and (stupidly) challenged a bargirl. Clearly not thinking, I got my ass kicked since this is essentially her job. Unbeknownst to me, the consequence for losing is a cacophony of bells ringing and people screaming for you to get on the bar and dance. Hence, since I hate losing, I kept challenging her, kept losing, and kept finding myself on the bar. Vicious cycle.
Another interesting fact: whenever someone- anyone- puts in 1,000 Baht (about $25), every single person at the bar gets a free shot. Since we had a good number of people with us, everyone kept combining money. Vicious cycle #2.
I'll leave the rest out of this blog.

**On a completely different note, I think it's about time I add something about the turmoil here in Thailand. If you're keeping up with the news, I'll give you a reference point. It's true that I am in the South of Thailand, but the violence is still slightly below where I am living. Essentially, the Muslim population is revolting against the Thai government for not honoring their demands, resulting in over 1,000 Buddhist and Muslim deaths here over the last several months. The fear right now is that other Muslim countries who support the cause are getting involved (i.e. Saudi Arabia and neighboring Malaysia) by sending militants and weapons. It is inevitable that the Insurgency will keep heading north, but it is unclear if it will reach this island. I'm not an idiot, if evacuation becomes an absolute necessity, I'll do it. I'm registered with the U.S. Embassy in Bangkok, which means that I'll be contacted if I must do so.**

For a brief overview, check out:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/South_Thailand_insurgency

Trainie, thanks so much for the card. Tell the cat lady thank you as well for sharing the pink flowered love.

Christine, the 'Good Catholic'

We're taking a practice exam to prepare for the four hour final on Monday. I don't know if it's a good sign or a bad sign that about half of us finished really early. Nevertheless, I'm now sitting in the air conditioned computer room waiting for class to resume.
Now that the training is finishing up, we're starting to look for jobs. There's this website where we post the most elaborate 6-step CV, including pictures and more information than I would give a doctor. Thus far, I've gotten some interesting responses, including offers to be a school nurse and a model. Oh, to be a Westerner in Asia. Can you imagine me as either of those? That's an emphatic no.
Anyway, yesterday Emily and I went around Phuket looking at schools. After the first interview, I was offered a job as a high school science teacher, which would include biology, chemistry and physics (physics majors... help!), but I am going to keep looking for an English teaching job since that's in what I'm being certified. Either way, we subsequently looked at a few more schools.
Emily and I arrived at this school that our institution listed as a good possibility. As soon as we walked through the door, I noticed nuns scurrying around, rosaries in tow, and a massive erection of Christ. If you know my 'religious affiliation' (read: none), you should know that this made me feel slightly awkward and more than a little uncomfortable. Regardless, we were met by a nun, who ushered us into her office for an interview. The first thing she asked Emily was, "Are you a good Catholic?" Emily, who happens to be Catholic, meekly answered yes. Then it's my turn. To preface my answer, please know that I don't mean to offend anyone, and if you're Catholic and reading this, I apologize.
So Sister Mena (as she introduced herself) proceeded to ask me the same question. Swiftly debating whether I wanted to be honest and thus shunned for the next hour of our interview, or to fake being a "good Catholic", I opt for the latter and answered that, indeed, I was.
(Kaitlin, if you're wondering, "why didn't she exercise that 'torture-the-Christian-muscle'?, cut me some slack. This was a nun, not some drunk guy trying to 'save' me on the street)
The interview continued and Sister Mena totally fell in love with us (under false pretenses for me, of course). She then took us on a tour of the school, stopping first in the church. Here, she kneeled in front of the alter, clearly expecting us to do the same, and began to pray. Emily followed suit. Meanwhile, I stood awkwardly in the doorway. Surprisingly, however, Sister Mena seemed unfazed by my lack of prayer (or was too consumed to notice) and continued our tour.
In the end, she invited us back to teach, concluding with a "God bless you, child" To which I nervously replied, "Uh, Thanks, Sister".
So it turns out this was a missionary school; probably the only one in Buddhist/Muslim Phuket. I wish I had known this before lying to a nun.
Moving on.
I was waiting and waiting for it to happen, as I knew it would be inevitable, and alas, come Monday... I was terribly sick. Shockingly, it was more of a flu/cold than the other terrifying gastrointestinal mishaps my classmates have had, but annoying nonetheless. Learning nothing from my former medical experiences in other countries (or America for that matter... bunk-bed freshman year?), I purchased some medicine from the local pharmacy. Of course, I'm sure it would have helped... if I had taken the correct amount. But, being the impatient person that I am- always taking further (read: premature) action upon slow results- I evidently took too much when it didn't kick in immediately. Bottom line: I spent the entire night tripping out, thinking I was in a mental hospital and coming dangerously close to drinking un-iodized water. In my defense, the words 'stupid Christine' were ringing in the back of my head whilst I went overboard with the meds, but, in this unfortunate situation, matter over mind was the case for me.
I have to go plan my lesson now.

Christine sucks

This is Isaac again.
Christine is so mean to me. In fact, she's the class bully. She's mean to everybody. Nobody likes her because she's too busy being mean. She's also a know it all. Anytime we're taught something wrong or stupid in class (read: everyday) we just ask Christine what the right answer is. Usually she responds with a mean comment like, "You're so stupid. Are you still talking? It's an adverb dumbass."
We're kicking Christine out of the course today. It's because she's mean. Speaking of mean, have I mentioned how mean Christine is? She killed a kitten the other day. She claims to be a vegetarian, but she's really a carnivorous whore. I kid you not - she ate the kitten after she killed it. Raw. It was sick. After that she made me peel the skin off her back in the computer room at my hotel. It was so disgusting. She threatened to kill me if I didn't do it. She's mean. I cry every night because of the things Christine says to me. So does everyone else. Her roommates also tell me stories about how mean she is. Apparently she flooded the entire apartment because she was too lazy to turn the shower off.
Speaking of being mean still, Christine tried to hook me up with a whore. We were at a bar. It was sometime between 1 and 4 am. I'm not sure what happened, but she told the girl to tell me she was from Chattanooga. Apparently the girl was really from Ireland. That doesn't matter. Christine is mean because she tried to get this girl to hook up with me, but apparently she was a whore. I think. I'm not really sure actually, but rumor has it I called her it to her face. We were already outside when it happened, and she collapsed on the hood of somebody's car. Then her friend came running out screaming, "What about Charles?" That's why I think she's a whore. That and there was a Thai guy she kept talking to at the bar. She was a whore. I know it. That's why I ran home. I think I must have been walking/running/stumbling across streets for 45 minutes before I realized I was walking in the wrong direction. There weren't any more streetlights. I was scared. I was drunk. I was ready to sleep on the street. Then my guardian angel came in the form of a motorcycle taxi driver. I like him. He's not mean like Christine. She's mean. She tried to hook me up with a whore and is directly responsible for my drunken walk through the dangerous streets of Phuket. I could have been raped, mugged, or worse because of Christine. That's why she's mean.
Please send me condolences and share your mean stories about Christine: isaacatsea@hotmail.com

Good luck. Don't let mean people ruin your life like Christine has done for me.

addendum: send me some shit on christine so i can make fun of her. my fly is down.

Flooding

This is me venting.
I got home last night about 4am and Lisa and Alison were already asleep. I immediately passed out and woke up today around noon, when Alison came to my room holding a dripping mop. My first thought, of course, was 'Alison cleans?' But then I looked down and realized that our whole house was not damp, not slightly flooded, but up to our ankles in monsoon water. Because of the shape of our house, the water was running through it like a river with waterfalls coming down the stairs. Everything was completely submerged in water. The worst part of it was that any attempt in rectifying our little situation was a lost cause as water was pouring in from every door and window. Lisa, meanwhile, was on the roof with buckets scooping water over the roof (futile? yes) while Alison was frantically mopping (or just pushing) water out of her room. Evidently they had been up since 5 trying to get the water out.
I should clarify that I'm not pissed; rather, I think the whole situation is pretty fucking hilarious.
Emily, Emliy, Emily. I love Emily. Emily, Emily, Emily.

Monsoons and Maryjane

Getting in late last night, I was hoping for at least a few undisturbed hours of sleep. This, however, is a tricky concept during monsoon season. Before coming here, I expected that a monsoon would be like a heavy rainstorm. Silly, Christine. As I have done for the last few nights, I woke up to what sounded like the apocalypse at my window. It got so bad that Lisa came into my room to ask why alarms were going off everywhere and I couldn't hear a word she was saying, even though she was sitting right next to me. Hence, I'm really quite tired, but admittedly, some of that is my fault.
As I mentioned in my last post, yesterday was the 'pub crawl.' We finished class at 12:30 (most days we finish at 6:30 or 8:30pm) and loaded into a couple vans. I'm pretty sure it was downhill from there, though I mean this in the very best of ways. We started in the jungle to feed some wild monkeys, which are really rather aggressive. From there we visited the biggest Buddha yet to be built anywhere in the world and continued from there to get some food. Meanwhile, our generous teachers were providing all-you-can-drink Thai beer.
From there I got my first exposure to a Thai Reggae Bar, which included an awesome view of the sunset, and headed from there to the only original Thai Reggae bar (what does that mean?) Let me preface this next part with what I know about marijuana in Thailand. Punishment for dealing is typically a street-side execution. Though the penalty for simple posession in Thailand is not quite as strict (or clear) as it is in neighboring Malaysia, which is automatic death penality with no exceptions, I know that it's not as 'lenient' as it is in America (which, come on, isn't lenient). Regardless, I have never been around more of the stuff in my life. At the bar, there were more joints that alcohol, more dime bags than glasses. You'd order a drink and instead be passed a joint, ask where the toilet was and get another one. Though I don't know how any of this worked here in Thailand, I don't think anyone was complaining, especially since the people who owned the bar didn't seem concerned with getting paid for any of it.
Moving on. After several hours in this twilight zone, we somehow headed to a club in Puket Town. Enter next bizarre experience. I don't really know how to explain it, so I posted some pictures, but essentially there were a lot of women on stage in gstrings and bikini tops singing everything from Britney Spears to the most popular Thai songs, and 'ladyboys' rocking out in the audience serving cake to the performers on stage. It was disturbing and intriguing and just weird.
Ok, I'm getting hungry. But Alexis, what I meant in the last post is that yes, I am staying here for the year, but it is still possible that I will have to go somewhere else in Thailand or Asia (as of now, I would like to stay right here). Right now I'm getting my foreign teaching credential and then I will begin teaching somewhere. Does that make sense? It may not be my choice, though, especially since I was a Psychophysiology major in college.

Rabies, Beer and Money

Good news, i can (somewhat) move my neck.
On another note, during class today our instructor interrupted the grammar lesson to announce he'd be taking us on a 'pub crawl' this friday. This is a new experience for me for several reasons:
1.) never has a teacher offered to take me drinking
2.) never have I gone on a pub crawl that started at 1pm
3.) never have I been told that i will need a rabies shot in order to drink
4.) never have I stopped at a wat (buddhist temple) on a pub crawl
5.) never have I consumed a beer in the same vicinity as wild monkeys
6.) I do not believe there to be any 'pubs' in phuket (discos and clubs, yes)
I'll keep you posted.
Coming here, my expectations were the same as my classmates': we were coming here completely alone, not knowing anyone, to learn to teach and, subsequently, to teach english in relative isolation from other people who spoke our language. I was not expecting to meet the people I have, and I certainly wasn't expecting to bond with them so quickly. Jackie made the point the other day that it is a certain type of person who comes here to do this, and that's why relationships form so quickly. Regardless, I'm enjoying my time here. I still don't know, however, what my teaching situation will be like and if I will meet the same kind of people I'm meeting here, or if I will in fact live with some of the people I've already met (depending on where we want to ultimately teach)
I just signed online for the first time and talked to Jason. (I don't think he's reading this... are you?) Anyway, he was talking about the emphasis on money in the States. It's definitely different here. I appreciate, as I did in Europe, the importance of putting life in front of money and not intertwining them into a single, draining entity. This is a poor area of the world, particularly after the economic crash of 1997 and even more so after the tsunami, but the people are collectively kind and gentle, and competiveness is harmless in nature, lacking the prevalence and iniquity that thrives in corporate America.
And see there, Bartley? Tangent again.
I have to go buy a loofa.

Ko Phi Phi Don

I just got back from Phi Phi and I don't think I could be in any more pain. Let's just start with the boat ride over there. I, of course, give the term 'motion sickness' a new name as anything that moves in the slightest makes me want to ralph. Luckily, I had my trusty and necessary supply of Dramamine with me, so my queasiness never resulted in actual vomitting. As soon as the boat stopped, I jumped overboard and all was well.
The first thing I knew I wanted to do was jump off a cliff, so I gathered some people and found a local to take us in his boat. I should mention that this wasn't a planned 'cliff jumping trip.' We just asked some guy to take us to a cliff.
So we get there and swim to this mass of crag, which we climb up. Since the whole trip was my idea, I volunteer to jump first. Ah, yes. And here comes the real pain. Suffice it to say the cliff was of decent height, so hitting the water really messed me up. The first thing I noticed after surfacing was this shooting pain in my neck and an inability to move my right leg. In an attempt not to scare the others, since it was virtually impossible to climb back down the cliff, I yelled back that it was fine and hobbled (can you do that in water?) back to the boat.
Jake went next, and concurred (without letting Brittany and Lisa hear) that (excuse me, mom) it was pretty fucking painful while also a total rush.
Brittany took about 30 minutes to build up the guts to jump, followed by Lisa, who both came out of the water red from impact.
So basically I spent the rest of the afternoon not able to turn my neck, having to rotate my entire body in order to talk to someone or look around. What I'm trying to say here is that I looked like a douchebag. The others had more swelling than a sore neck and knee, so I was the only quadriplegic of the group. And to think I passed up a dive for that... (I'm kidding, it was totally worth it).
When we got back to Phi Phi, a lot of people suggested that I get a Thai massage since it might make my neck feel better. This woman worked me over. I was in some pretty strange positions and she would basically jerk me around so that my whole body cracked. Though it hurt more when she was finished, I have a bit more range of motion today.
Ok, let me speed this up. We spent the rest of the weekend walking around the island and getting a pretty devasting perspective of the tsunami's impact. The pictures I posted don't give what we saw justice, especially considering it's been close to a year.
Ok, I'm out. I have homework to do and advil to consume (proud, alexis?)

September 9th

It's our lunch break from classes and Alison and I are crammed in the room with computers since it is the only room with air conditioning.
There was an earthquake the other day, which was strong enough to wake me up. No damage, but it definitely worries some people here because of the tsunami. Tomorrow some of my classmates and I are heading over to Phi-Phi, which was hit hardest by the tsunami. The island is essentially untouched now by people due to the leveling of all development, and is therefore relatively empty. I think we are going to try to get a hut on the beach, but if that doesn't work, we'll just sleep on the beach. (This is the same place they filmed the movie 'The Beach')
Last night we went to eat at this restaurant that looked, well, interesting. So far, because the country is predominantly Buddhist, being a vegetarian is incredibly easy as long as I know the Thai word for vegetarian. However, if I've ever experienced a language breakdown, it was in this restaurant. Somehow I ended up with, not a little bit of meat, but an entire bowl full of nothing but ground beef. Thankfully Isaac ate it and I ended up grabbing something to eat on the street.
We went on this aamzing trek yesterday to a waterfall up in the jungle. It's a little hard to see in the pictures, but it was absolutely surreal. The water was a perfect temperature after hiking in the heat and there was this little crevice where you could surround yourself with falling water. There were a couple other locals swimming, but other than that, we were the only people there.
I have a Thai lesson now. I keep getting called on, so wish me luck.

isaac is a tool

This is Isaac (Christine's biggest enemy) narrating her life for the past few days...
Christine went to the beach with Alison, Lisa, and Jackie on Saturday, where she ignored the other Americans sitting in beach chairs behind her. We thought they were all too cool for us anyway, so we didn't want to talk to them. Right before they left they approached Ryan (the group pervert) and asked him to take a picture of them in front of the beach. Then we learned that they were in our TEFL course together, and we instantly became the best of friends... or did we?
So, to get to the point, we end up getting hammered that night and I somehow crash on their futon. Oh, by the way, I'm Jewish. Time out, Christine is explaining how she met some guy on the Sunset Strip when she wanted pancakes. Boooooooooring. Anyway, I pass out on this futon around 2:30 in the morn. Somehow I didn't understand that them leaving for sea-kayaking at 7:30 in the morning meant I had to leave at 7:30... 5 hours after passing out Christine is running through the hall of her house saying, "Good morning!" in the most obnoxious girly tone I've ever heard in my life.
So, at 7:30 in the fucking morning I perform my first "walk of shame" (which guys don't even do) in Phuket and get stared at by every Thai person on the street. (Christine is laughing right now and sounds like Beavis & Butthead.) Anyway, I go home and crash again, then get up for a hangover breakfast of chicken fried rice at Samkong. Unfortuantely they don't know how to cook chicken, so I had a close call with e-coli or whatever that disease is.
Anyway, Christine thinks this is getting boring, so I'll cut to the good stuff. She went sea kayaking and looked like a fucking lobster. She was redder than a tomato. (Christine keeps burping and it's starting to smell in here.) Well, Monday finally came around and I got to sit next to Christine in class!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It made my day! Let me tell you, if you're ever in a class in Phuket with a bunch of strangers, there's nobody better to sit next to in the intense heat than Christine. So, we really bonded, getting to sweat together and all.
Well, somewhere in here this girl named Debbie came along. She has these crazy stories about causing soccer riots in South America and knowing a girl who swam 16 hours in some odd direction only to find land and be saved from a shipwreck. We think she's full of crap. Anyway, we had a meal or two with her in the group before she got kicked out.
to be continued (and i'm not a tool)

Pictures

Link to pictures:

http://community.webshots.com/user/absinth143

Day 5

Some of the people here suggested starting a blog since it's the easiest way to communicate...
So I'm really hot, sweaty, sticky and I'm covered in bites from various insects. My feet are officially the grossest I've ever seen them thanks to blisters, bruises and cuts, and I've already found out not to ever, ever order sa gaaw bpiian (scorpion) even if the cook suggests it.
Regardless, it's amazing here. I flew from San Francisco to Tokyo, where I caught a plane from Tokyo to Bangkok. That flight turned out to be an interesting one, seeing as we made an emergency landing in the Philippines and extended my overal flying time to 22 hours. After spending an interesting night in Bangkok, I flew down to Phuket.
I live in I guess what would be a small house with two other girls: Lisa and Alison. The people in training with me are from all over Europe, America and Canada. Sometimes I feel as though I'm not fit to teach English as I cannot understand many of the people from Scotland and parts of England. Despite the 'language barrier,' I've never been immersed in a more interesting group of people. You come here thinking your life is relatively interesting and realize it doesn't even compare to some of the people here.
Lisa, Alison and I went on a sea kayaking trip last Sunday where we kayaked approximately 5 miles in and out of caves and lagoons around Phuket's surrounding islands. Beautiful, of course, I think that goes without saying.
Things I've learned thus far: Thai beer is quite a bit stronger than American or European beer. Not all sweet looking dogs are in fact sweet. Thai language is entirely tonal, and one word pronounced with improper fluctuation may mean a completely different word. Thai people are the most respectful, kind and welcoming people I've ever met. Learn your street address before getting lost. It is in fact possible to fit four people on a one person scooter.
Tonight I teach my first class to Thai students. It's a lot harder than I expected. At least I have an experienced observer to critique me... It's hard to imagine a whole year worth of curriculum.
This weekend I'm heading to Phi-Phi island with some people where we'll get to do some trekking and elephant riding. I'll try to keep posting pictures online, depending on access.
Hope all is well with everyone.